Perhaps things have to get worse before they can get better. I’ve spent two nights alone in my new dwelling and I’m moving things around, setting up space to my liking.
I’m making lists of things I need to procure and I’m throwing away stuff I don’t like. I’d like to have a spacious, airy, green, and clean environment. I’m designing it as a bachelor’s dwelling — this is no family or couple’s space. It’s just for me. A sanctuary.
Perhaps this shuffling is merely a physical manifestation of an emotional cleanup. I’m doing to the physical space what needs to be done in my mental space.
I know I shouldn’t try to suppress my emotions. It’s easy to focus on the good stuff — the freedom, having everything set up to my liking, eliminating anything I don’t like, and nobody to bother me. But there’s another side to this story. The kids, and how they’re starting to sense that something is wrong. They are starting to question things.
They see their mommy crying and being upset and all weird. They notice that dad is coming and going every now and then, but I’m not sure if they really figured out I’m not sleeping there anymore.
It’s been a couple of days. I set up my space nearby, it was supposed to be my man cave, but now I’m actually building a home. A sanctuary. At first, I still went for walks with her, and I slept at home, but then I stayed here. It felt like a sort of a natural progression of things, it felt like the right thing to do. And without being a one-and-done move, but slow and gradual, it didn’t feel as disruptive, at least not to me.
But sooner or later I’ll have to let my emotions come out. I’ll have to allow myself to be sad about this decaying relationship. There are always two people in a marriage, and at least two in a failing one. I’m no saint, I’m guilty of not trying enough, even though I like to think that I’ve done more than enough.
What’s making things harder is that there’s no shocking event. There was no adultery, no big fights, no life disaster. It’s just a slow decay, rotting from the inside, and I feel I need to get out. I do not know how she feels, nor do I care. But eventually, we’ll have to transition from separation into a divorce.
The truth is, it’s easy to stay together. It’s easier to keep decaying, to keep rotting from inside, just being passive about it and ride it out till the bitter end. But that’s not me. I don’t like to do anything passively. I have to take control, make decisions, move things.
But this comes with consequences and emotional battles. I’m not sure I’m ready, but I’ll do my best.
Have I expected this to be easy-peasy?